Who knows?

Some time ago I met girl. This girl soon got to be friend. This friend have meant a lot to me over the years, but I can't keep myself from thinking that I might not have meant as much to her. Now, is could sound like I'm just thinking that I'm not worth anything, or something like that, but that's not it. The thing is, she said something to me quite recently, something that made me think. She has just gotten out of a long relationship, and was very sad at the moment. She was crying, and I was trying to comfort her. And when I told her that I understand what she is going through, she said no. She told me that I didn't understand, I had everything. I had the look, I could get any boy I wanted, and I obviously had no real problems. I must say that I was actually quite choked. How on earth could she say something like that to me? I didn't tell her how wrong she was, because I didn't want to get in some sort of a fight with her, and I know how it might seem like nobody else have ever known your pain, when you've been dumbed by the boy you love.

I soon forgot her words, put them in the very back of my mind. At least until another of my friends asked me a rather odd question. He asked me if I was one of those girls everybody liked. He asked because that was the pictured he had of me. I asked him why he thought that, why he thought I was liked by everyone, because I most certainly did not feel like that. And his answer made me think of my friend who said I didn't understand her. 

He told me that he asked because I was always in a good mood, I was pretty, and I was funny. He said that he really enjoyed talking to me. He said that he couldn't understand why I don't have a boyfriend, because in his world the boys should be standing in line to get a girl like me. And this opened up my eyes. I have never really thought of myself as pretty. I never thought of myself as the kind of girl anyone would like. I have sort of gotten used to being disliked by most of the people around me. I'd start believe the mean words that have been thrown at me over the years. I've often thought of myself as the ugly duckling. But have never thought of the fact, that one day the ugly duckling will become a beautiful swan.  I might not be there entirely yet, but I know that I'm getting there. I know that I one day will be that beautiful swan, whom all the other ducks are looking up to. At least that what I hope. 

But his words also made me think of something else. Do we know what we mean to the people around us? Do we know how we look from their perspective? I now know, that I don't know. 

Samuel and Jack

I think I've fallen in love! With Samuel and Jack, of course. - My cousin's two rats :D They are adorable! They made me miss my old rat, Oliver, who died a few years back so badly, that I've decided to buy a new one :D Preferably a white rat. But any color would do, no doubt. Now, the only thing I need before I go and buy it, is to convince my mother that it's a good idea, even though I might not be in the best shape right now.
I think that maybe it's a good idea because of the shape I'm in. I mean, I miss to have someone close to me, to comfort me when I'm sad. Now, I'm sure if any of my friends reads this, they'll probably say things like "You can always come to me, if you're sad" Or something like that. The thing is, I just can't. No matter how much I wish to, I just can't make myself trouble them with my tears and deeply felt pain. I'm afraid to let them see that side of me. I'm afraid they'll abandon me, because I am as troubled as I am. I guess that's why I had a major breakdown in the summer holidays, and now have to see a psychologist. But anyway! I'm not going to be all emo-ish and stuff in this post! Y'see I'm actually in a pretty damn good mood today :D I've just had an amazing weekend with my cousin, Samuel and Jack x)
Right now I'm in the train on my way home to Ikast. Did you know that it cost 29 DKR for five hours internet in the danish trains? I guess it's actually kinda cheap, but I was surprised anyway.
Todays song is most definitely Eva by Nightwish. I really just love that song.

Over and out
- Brian

Shity day

Today I woke up to the sound of my cellphone ringing. It was my boss who called me, and told me I should have been at work ten minutes ago. So I rushed out of the door, without eating breakfast, which is pretty normal for me, and forgot my lunch. At work everything was total chaos. Our computer-system had gone offline, which means some of our products would be scanned with a wrong price. And it takes quite some time to correct that. Which means angry costumers. And as if this wasn't enough, the usual blood, bodies and screaming voices has returned to my head, causing me to have a minor panic attack in my lunch-break. Guess I'm just lucky it didn't happen in front of the costumers. I think it was all of this together that caused the major headache I've had all day.
So, bottom line, I've just had one of those truly shity days.
A good thing is, that I'm very excited about this weekend. I'm going to visit my cousin, Klaus, in Roskilde. It's gonna be great! He's just a few  years older than me, has his own apartment and is one of my best friends. I can talk to him about everything! Even the things I can't talk about with my mother, or my other friends. He's just great.
Todays song is Why Cry by Panic! At the Disco. So but, I'm going to head of to bed now. - Better go to bed early, so that I can get out of bed tomorrow xD

Over and out
- Brian

Marf marf marf...

In the moment I'm kinda in a bad mood. A lot of things is going on right now. Mostly I just want to go away, to escape from being me. And yet, I'm thinking a lot about the way I look at my past. If I looked at it differently, then would I be more happy? Or would it just be the same? I'm actually trying to look at it in another way, but it's hard. Let me give you an exampled: My father died back when I was little. Mostly I see this as a bad thing. I hate my father for leaving me like that, and I'm ashamed because I've never had a father to do all the father-daughter stuff with.On the other I could thank my father for making that much stronger, and respect his decision. I would rather like to be able to at stuff like that with a positive mind, but I'm just not. I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself. Marf... Yet another emo-ish post... You should probably expect quite a few of those, since I'll most likely put a post in there when ever something 'big' happens, and I am having some problems atm. Not that it takes over in my everyday-life, but sometimes it just gets all to much.

Todays song is Evil Angel by Breaking Benjamin. I heard it the first time this Monday, and I really like. It's a great song. You should try and hear it some time.

Over and out

- Brian