Stupid Stomach!..

My stomach hurts. A lot. It has done so for the last week. For no apparent  reason. At all. This means I've been at the doctor a few times the past ten days. Each and every doctor asked me if I'm pregnant. - Which I am NOT! Now, this is not really a problem, I understand why they have to ask. But it would be nice if they'd believe me, when I tell them there is no way in hell that I am pregnant. -.-
But those nice doctors haven't been able to figure out whats wrong, and my stomach continues hurting. I'm not eating much at the moment, because of me stomach. Eating hurts worse then being hungry. So I prefer being hungry. Which my mother doesn't approve. She actually makes me eat, and makes sure that I don't loose all to much weight. I love her. She's the best. - Even though I might not always say so, I still think so.

Besides the stomach-issue I'm really getting better. My psychologist and I have agreed that we won't make another appointment. I can still call her, if I feel sad, but otherwise, we won't be seeing each other again soon. At our last meeting she told me something that really made me happy. She told me, that even though I might have been down a very, very black hole, I am very good at dealing with it, and finding my way out of it again. She told me that I am a very strong girl, and if I only hold on to that strength nothing in the world can stop me from reaching my goals. This gives me hope. So what if I ain't perfect? I'm still worthy of being happy. This is something I have to get used to. It's something I tell myself everyday. And I'll continue doing so 'till I actually believes in it. I'm done with being the ugly duckling. I'm going to be a motherfucking swan now.
But still, I'm going to take babysteps. You don't go from being slightly depressed and having panic-attacks to being a fully functionally and happy person. It takes time. And that's all I need right now. Time to find myself again, and to learn that perfect  isn't the goal, and 55kg doesn't mean fat. At least not for me.
Oh yeah, I'm going to put a number of the day in there. It'll be the number I've seen most time at work that day. (I Might explain more about it later)
Yesterdays number is 404.
And todays song is Getting Better by The Beatles :D

Over and out
- Brian

My awesome neighbors :3

So, I really do some stupid thing from time to time... As for example going for a walk in the middle of the night without my keys. Now this is normally not a problem, since we do have an extra key hidden in the garden. BUT! They extra key has disappeared >.< Which means I was locked out of an empty house in the middle of the night. Luckily my neighbors was not yet asleep, do they'd let me in, and let me stay for the night. The next morning Frede, a 65 year old man, climbed up a latter, and 'broke' into the house. They're just great those people.
So but my mother, her husband and my sister is not home this weekend, which means I'm alone. - Which is great for a change. I've mostly been watching tv, skyping with my friend Amanda, and surfing a bit on the internet. Nothing much have happened.
Tomorrow another friends, Leaz, is probably going to come over. I miss her. I haven't seen her for quite a while.
Todays song is Kringsat av fiender by the old norwegian poet Nordahl Grieg.

Over and out
- Brian

The flu...

Yup, that's right I've got the flu... For the second time in my entire life, tops. xD I get a lot of colds, but it's very rare it's anything worse than that.
So today at work I've mostly felt like a bunch of dying crap. And right now I'm sitting in the living room, with a blanket, my cat and fire!! (In the fireplace) And of course a large cup of appletea :D
Otherwise nothing much is actually going on... I've talked to Patrick, and it seems like we've sorted things out, luckily.
Oh yeah, and I've found two genius games (I LOST THE GAME) recently. It's Monst http://www.begamer.com/flash-game/23460/monst) and Pursuit of a Hat http://www.notdoppler.com/pursuitofhat.php) Especially Pursuit of a Hat is great game. You play as this small creature and your job is to get back to your beloved hat. In order to do that, you have to rip off your own limbs. Fortunately you can put them back on, no harm done. I LOVE IT!!!! xD
Do go and play it. Otherwise I'll be standing outside your bedroom window with a bat tonight. Trust me. I'll be there! So why not save me for the trouble, and you for the pain, and just go and play it? xD
(Don't worry I'm just kidding xD) But seriously, play it.

Over and out
- Brian :D

Selfharm

Selfharm is a bad thing. Selfharm is many things. It could be cutting, or hitting oneself. It could be throwing up on purpose. It could be not allowing oneself to feel happy, to feel like one had to be punished everytime something good happened. Or it could be not allowing oneself to feel pretty, or loved, or worth anything.
I have done all of these things. I've got scars from razorblades and blue marks from a belt. I've put two fingers down my throat a bit too often, just to try to get all the evil out of me. Though it always seems to find it's way back inside. And I've always tried to hide all of it. All of this is signals to tell the world that I'm not fucking okay, even if I smile. 'Cause I'm crying myself to sleep more then once a week. I hurt myself. Badly. I'm ashamed of what who I am, and feel sorry for what I do.
Remember what I wrote about the swan and the ugly duckling? Well, I'm not ready to let myself be that swan yet. Far from. Which means that I feel like something much different than what people might see. I still feel like that somewhat chubby girl with glasses and braces I once was. That girl who actually don't have anyone that would listen if she had something to say. I don't feel like the girl I'm being told I am. Therefore I find it very frustrating when people I see as my dear friends suddenly wants to be more than that. Like this boy, Patrick. I love him as my friend, he's funny and quite good at listing, if I actually wants to talk. Unfortunately he's about to ruin our friendship. He just won't understand it when I tell him that there should not be anything more between us. He's trying so hard to get me, that he's pushing me away. I don't know how to tell him to back off,  but I know that I better hurry up figure it out. Otherwise I'll have to just cut all contact to him. Which would be very awkward and almost impossible since we have a lot of common friends. It's very complicated... Though I hope I'll find a way to tell him ^^
(This is why I love having my own blog. When I started this post I had tears running down my face, and was ready to go and hurt myself. I am not anymore. It really helps getting everything off my mind. It's as good as talking to a friend, except this is easier; I don't have to feel like a burden for my friends, because I wants to talk.)
Todays song is My Jolly Sailor Bold by Gemma Ward (The mermaid song from Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides)

Over and out for now
- Brian

Who knows?

Some time ago I met girl. This girl soon got to be friend. This friend have meant a lot to me over the years, but I can't keep myself from thinking that I might not have meant as much to her. Now, is could sound like I'm just thinking that I'm not worth anything, or something like that, but that's not it. The thing is, she said something to me quite recently, something that made me think. She has just gotten out of a long relationship, and was very sad at the moment. She was crying, and I was trying to comfort her. And when I told her that I understand what she is going through, she said no. She told me that I didn't understand, I had everything. I had the look, I could get any boy I wanted, and I obviously had no real problems. I must say that I was actually quite choked. How on earth could she say something like that to me? I didn't tell her how wrong she was, because I didn't want to get in some sort of a fight with her, and I know how it might seem like nobody else have ever known your pain, when you've been dumbed by the boy you love.

I soon forgot her words, put them in the very back of my mind. At least until another of my friends asked me a rather odd question. He asked me if I was one of those girls everybody liked. He asked because that was the pictured he had of me. I asked him why he thought that, why he thought I was liked by everyone, because I most certainly did not feel like that. And his answer made me think of my friend who said I didn't understand her. 

He told me that he asked because I was always in a good mood, I was pretty, and I was funny. He said that he really enjoyed talking to me. He said that he couldn't understand why I don't have a boyfriend, because in his world the boys should be standing in line to get a girl like me. And this opened up my eyes. I have never really thought of myself as pretty. I never thought of myself as the kind of girl anyone would like. I have sort of gotten used to being disliked by most of the people around me. I'd start believe the mean words that have been thrown at me over the years. I've often thought of myself as the ugly duckling. But have never thought of the fact, that one day the ugly duckling will become a beautiful swan.  I might not be there entirely yet, but I know that I'm getting there. I know that I one day will be that beautiful swan, whom all the other ducks are looking up to. At least that what I hope. 

But his words also made me think of something else. Do we know what we mean to the people around us? Do we know how we look from their perspective? I now know, that I don't know. 

Samuel and Jack

I think I've fallen in love! With Samuel and Jack, of course. - My cousin's two rats :D They are adorable! They made me miss my old rat, Oliver, who died a few years back so badly, that I've decided to buy a new one :D Preferably a white rat. But any color would do, no doubt. Now, the only thing I need before I go and buy it, is to convince my mother that it's a good idea, even though I might not be in the best shape right now.
I think that maybe it's a good idea because of the shape I'm in. I mean, I miss to have someone close to me, to comfort me when I'm sad. Now, I'm sure if any of my friends reads this, they'll probably say things like "You can always come to me, if you're sad" Or something like that. The thing is, I just can't. No matter how much I wish to, I just can't make myself trouble them with my tears and deeply felt pain. I'm afraid to let them see that side of me. I'm afraid they'll abandon me, because I am as troubled as I am. I guess that's why I had a major breakdown in the summer holidays, and now have to see a psychologist. But anyway! I'm not going to be all emo-ish and stuff in this post! Y'see I'm actually in a pretty damn good mood today :D I've just had an amazing weekend with my cousin, Samuel and Jack x)
Right now I'm in the train on my way home to Ikast. Did you know that it cost 29 DKR for five hours internet in the danish trains? I guess it's actually kinda cheap, but I was surprised anyway.
Todays song is most definitely Eva by Nightwish. I really just love that song.

Over and out
- Brian

Shity day

Today I woke up to the sound of my cellphone ringing. It was my boss who called me, and told me I should have been at work ten minutes ago. So I rushed out of the door, without eating breakfast, which is pretty normal for me, and forgot my lunch. At work everything was total chaos. Our computer-system had gone offline, which means some of our products would be scanned with a wrong price. And it takes quite some time to correct that. Which means angry costumers. And as if this wasn't enough, the usual blood, bodies and screaming voices has returned to my head, causing me to have a minor panic attack in my lunch-break. Guess I'm just lucky it didn't happen in front of the costumers. I think it was all of this together that caused the major headache I've had all day.
So, bottom line, I've just had one of those truly shity days.
A good thing is, that I'm very excited about this weekend. I'm going to visit my cousin, Klaus, in Roskilde. It's gonna be great! He's just a few  years older than me, has his own apartment and is one of my best friends. I can talk to him about everything! Even the things I can't talk about with my mother, or my other friends. He's just great.
Todays song is Why Cry by Panic! At the Disco. So but, I'm going to head of to bed now. - Better go to bed early, so that I can get out of bed tomorrow xD

Over and out
- Brian

Marf marf marf...

In the moment I'm kinda in a bad mood. A lot of things is going on right now. Mostly I just want to go away, to escape from being me. And yet, I'm thinking a lot about the way I look at my past. If I looked at it differently, then would I be more happy? Or would it just be the same? I'm actually trying to look at it in another way, but it's hard. Let me give you an exampled: My father died back when I was little. Mostly I see this as a bad thing. I hate my father for leaving me like that, and I'm ashamed because I've never had a father to do all the father-daughter stuff with.On the other I could thank my father for making that much stronger, and respect his decision. I would rather like to be able to at stuff like that with a positive mind, but I'm just not. I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself. Marf... Yet another emo-ish post... You should probably expect quite a few of those, since I'll most likely put a post in there when ever something 'big' happens, and I am having some problems atm. Not that it takes over in my everyday-life, but sometimes it just gets all to much.

Todays song is Evil Angel by Breaking Benjamin. I heard it the first time this Monday, and I really like. It's a great song. You should try and hear it some time.

Over and out

- Brian

Zombies!!!

I've had the fuckin' best weekend evaah! And with weekend I of course mean Sunday... I'm working on Saturdays xD But back to the part, where it's the best Sunday evaaah; I went home to ma buddy, Wenzel, along with some other awesome dudes, and we play some rpg, with a zombie survivel theme. AWESOME! And after that, we went down to the lokal store, and bought some frozen pizza. Yummy.

Oh yeah, and I sprained my right foot, so now it hurts like hell everytime I walk. Yaay -.-

Otherwise, nothing big have happened. I've been working both yesterday, and today, and I will be working again tomorrow. But Thursday is my day off :D And I also have an appointment with my psychologist this Thursday. I have mixed feelings about that. On one hand, I'm glad because I know it's helping me, but on the other hand I just want to stay home,  because I hate crying, and I know I'll be crying there. My past is not a cheerful subject -.-

That's all for now :D

Over and out

-Brian

Such bullshit!

Hey guys
Sorry for the long time with no posts... (As if anyone actually reads this, and cares if I post anything -.-)
I've been kinda busy with my new job and all. Yeah, that's right I got the job ^^ It's so great, I'm really happy for it.
But right now, I'm just crying my eyes out. Over a boy. I hate boys in the moment. And love, god I hate love. Nothing good ever comes from love. In the end, someone'll always get hurt. And right now that someone is me. Today, it's a year ago since I started dating my ex. The sad thing is that the relationship only lasted three months, and I still love the boy with every inch of my heart. I just can't get over him.
Now, I know how pathetic Í must sound and all, but it's actually true. I'm badly hit by the illness we call love.
So, this was one of the more emo-ish posts of mine... Wow...
A good thing is, that I bought a new CD today :D It was expensive, but all worth it! It's with Burzum, wich I love, so I know that I'm just gonna love this CD ^^

Over and out for now
- Brian

NOM NOM NOM!

So far, today has been great. 
I started the day with american pancakes for breakfast (which is very rare at my home o.o) and later we (my mother, sister and I) went to a small harvest market just outside of town. They had some delicious raspberry-ice cream. Yum! 
When we got home I had to write an article for a magazine for elderly scouts, about the World Scout Jamboree (a giant scout camp I went to in the end of July). It was actually nice to remember what it was like to be at the camp. :D 
After that I decided that I wanted to bake something, so I made a nice cheesecake, which I' eating right now xD  It's yummy ;3
Today's song is A Promise by Dead By April. It's just stock in my head xD
I hope your day was just as tasty as mine has been xD


- Brian

BUSY!!

Or not? o.O
Today has been totally chill. I've done nothing but listing to music, reading, skyping and playing sims 3. Oh yeah, I play sims 3, and I LOVE IT! No, seriously, it's fun. It's perfect for days that otherwise would've been extremely boring. Like today. But thanks to sims 3, I wasn't bored at all! :D
Today's song is either Don't Bring Me Flowers After I'm Dead by Erik Hassle or Hurtful by the same guy. I don't know which. I've heard both a lot today. 
I'm actully in a pretty good mood today. It's nice ^^ 
Oh and today I downloaded a new game for my cellphone. It's called Furdiburb, and is just as weird as it sounds xD


Over and out
- Brian.

OMG! A NEW BLOG?! o.o

HEY PEOPLE!

I'm so excited today! 

First I was at my first job interview ever! And then I decided to create my own blog! Yay me! I really hope that I get this job. Oh yeah, I should probably tell you that I've dropped out of highschool, due to some personal problems. But I'm expecting to get back in school next year. But that's also the reason why I am looking for a job. Y'see I don't want to just be hanging around, doing nothing at all, now that I won't be in school. And I could really  use some money. xD 

Wish me luck :D

So, in here I'll most likely post my thoughts of the days. Y'know, be talking about everything thing I can think of xD

I hope you'll enjoy :D

- Brian