...

Wau.. I mean just... Wau.
I am furious! I feel so, so betrayed!
My sister is a theif. Don't know if I've mentioned it before, but she is. She steals clothes from us. My mother and I. It's unbelievable! I really hate to say this, but I don't think I can trust her at all anymore. And it kills me! Because I love her so very much, and I want to trust her! But I can't.
Sometimes I really want to hit her. Just beat her up so badly not even our mother would be able to recognize her. Really just watch her bleed. I feel like a terrible person just for thinking this, but it is a part of the anger, the rage, she awakens in me. And at the same time I just feel heartbroken! What on Earth was she thinking, betraying my trust like that?! She might as well spit me in the face.
Now, this is far from the first time she have done something like this (Otherwise I might be overreacting a tad). She has done this several times before, walking into my room when I'm not there, taking my stuff and calling it hers. I hate it. It makes me feel so small, so helpless. She has been told that it's wrong, and not allowed several times before, but that doesn't stop her. What if she continues this behavior when she's all grown up? What if she continues out of the house? She might go to jail then. I would hate to watch my babysister go to prison. But that might be a reality in just a couple of years. If she keeps this up. It's awful.

Todays song is Evil Angel by Breaking Benjamin.
And the number is 13.

Ovre and out
- Brian

Random crazy-thinking

You all know those adds on the web, where you can sorta order a russian or muslim or whatever wife, right? Wouldn't it just be cool if they where made with husbands too? So instead of buying a neat little wife, with giant tits, you could purchase a handsome young man with strong abs, a pretty smile and an adorable face... I would rather like that... My order-husband should have red hair... I think I kinda have a thing for red hair... It's so absolutely beautiful... I would like my future kids to have red hair... I think I would rather like such a order-husband-website. Or actually I would not. I would hate it. As much as I like to look at pretty people the looks couldn't be less important when I look for a boy-/girlfriend. It is all about the person behind the masks. Some people don't believe me when I say that. I don't care. I know it's true. Being pan-sexual kinda does that to you... XD
Right now ma kitteh is walking all over my lap. She is sorta an attention-whore xD My right leg is sleeping, and she has just decided to go to sleep right there. And since she is the queen of this family there is nothing I can do about it... I really reeeeeeeaaally love her. When at some point I get tired of rats I think I would like to buy my own lil kitteh when I've moved out.
Henrik and my mother are talking about moving to Silkeborg sometime this winter. My mother already works there, and my sister might be starting in a school there. And Henrik might just get a job there as well. So they'll move to Silkeborg and I'll move to Herning. it's kinda a strange thought.
I might get a job in Copenhagen for the summer! Yay! :D
Then I'll be staying at ma grandma and grandpa's. They live in a small apartment in inner Copenhagen, but they said that if I could get a job there, I could come live with them. They're great. My family is great! :D Very crazy, but absolutely amazing!

Boys however are very complicated. Some of my old friends are starting to treat me as if I reeeeaaally wanted to be their girlfriend, and they're just thinking about letting me. Which is SO not the case! I have not been speaking to these boys for years and have no wish what so ever to be the girlfriend of ANY of them! UGH!
But I might be having a little crush on two different guys  :3 Who they are will be my little secret for now xD
But it's kinda nice to have a crush like that. It's probably not something I will react on, it's just nice to get this ticklish feeling whenever I look at them :3
I actually really wouldn't like to have boyfriend right now. (Or a girlfriend for that matter) I feel like I'm good as it is, and that's fine. However I wouldn't mind to have a cuddle-buddy at night ;P
Oh well, I think that's about enough gut-spilling for one night.

Todays song is Ballad of Serenity by Sonny Rhodes. Because I've been rewatching some o' ma favorite episodes of Firefly <3 LOOOOOOOVEEEEE!!!! :D
The number of the day is 383. Because that's just how it is. Deal with it. xD

Weeelll, Gnight folks :D
- Brian

Ma kitteh :3

Most nights, when I lay in bed and am just about to fall asleep I remember there is this one thing that I should write about; Calmness. I have a very small, rather old cat, and every night she sleeps in my bed, since I am the only one in the family who don't mind petting her when I am about to sleep. I don't mind because I can't think any more relaxing way to fall asleep, than to the sound of a purring cat. She comforts me when the night is too cold, or too dark.
You know how a nice cup of tea, or a warm bath right before you go to bed, is just amazingly relaxing, right? It  can simply just take away the stress of a whole day. Falling asleep to this sound tops that. By  10 times. At the very least.
I'm not really going to tell you anything else today, than the fact that I love my little cat. She quite small, just like me xD - She looks like a big kitten, even though she is thirteen years old now.
Apropos getting old. My grand-grandfather is getting very old. He suffers from dementia, and it is getting pretty bad. Last week he even emptied his bank account, because he forgot that he already had withdrawn the money he needed. I feel horrible for even thinking this, but I think it would be for the best if only he could go to sleep and not wake up again, very soon. It's not that I don't love him, 'cause I do. It's just so very hard to watch as he fades to nothing but a shadow of his former self. Accusing almost everyone of stealing from him. Yes, it would be for the best, if only he could have peace now. He have lived a long and rich life, but his end is nearing, and he is getting miserable. He'll probably be put in a nursing home soon. The one place he always said he'd never want to go.
I'm just stopping this now, before it gets too sad. Old people and cats, that's what you get to night XD

Today's song is Evil Angel by Breaking Benjamin. Just because.
And the number of the day is 209. No idea why. :)

Over and out
- Brian

What a lovely day

Today has been quite a great day. It started with an exam in math (which is not the best, but still) and then a bit of chilling with some really random people. (Awesome :D) And the weather was simply just outstanding! I don't think I used enough sunscreen, though. My cheeks are a bit sore. Damn... I must be more careful. Don't wanna end up like last year. It's such a drag when you can't walk 10 meters. I think I'm just going to apply the sunscreen more often. I can't leave it at home anymore xD
I feel like I might be overdoing it a little, but then again, I might be a little scared of the sun now. I love it, but I am quite afraid of getting burned like that again. It's not really that much fun. Tomorrow's gonna be pretty sunny to, so I guess I'll be bringing my sunscreen to school.. It's getting late now. Gotta get some sleep. Looks like todays post is just gonna be a short one.

Todays song is Somebody that I used to know by Gotye. It's been on reverse in my head all day.
The number of the is 12. Just because. No real reason. That's just how it is. :)

Over and out
- Brian

Ponytails, sunscreen and lemon-bracelets

So, today I've had my first ponytail in just about a year. Finally my hair is getting longer again! :D But really, I quite like to be able to put my hair up like that again. One can play a bit more with a couple of different looks, when ones hair can be put in a ponytail or alike.
Aand I've just bought the first bottle of sunscreen this year! :D Today is quite sunny, and I love it, I just can't be outside of the house without sunscreen. Or I will burn. Like a vampire. So, one bottle of sunscreen spf 50? Check! I am soooo ready for summer! I love summer! I've always liked the clothes you can wear at summer way better than winterclothes. It's just... So... Lovely! I love it.
I alos bought some rubber bracelets today. They smell like lemon. It's awesome XD
They're meant to keep mosquitoes away, but I'm not sure if it really works. I just thought they were pretty. And they smell nice. xD
I've been listening quite a lot the song Scars by Papa Roach, and there's one special phrase that I cling to;
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real...

I think this fits quite well to how I am, and how I felt not so long ago. I care a very fucking lot. About everyone. Not only the ones close to me. Everyone. Sometimes I'm so busy caring about others that I forget to care about myself. And I am scared. Oh my, I am scared. I have plenty of scars to remind me just how real my unpleasant past have been. But I need to remember is that it was just as cheerful and happy as it was awful and tragic. It was a little bit of both worlds. Which I actually thinks is quite healthy.

Todays song is Do you know what I am Seeing? by Panic! at the Disco. 

And the number of the day most be 0. Because it looks like the shape of the sun. And it's beena sunny day... Whatever xD

Over and out

- Brian

Random derping on your screen.

You know that cookbook I talked about last time? The veggie one? I absolutely love it. I mean, it's not the most easy recipes, but they are so very delicious. Sure it's challenging to get those dishes right, but when one get to taste the reward of all that effort... I simply do not have the words to describe it. I mean, when I get it right, it tastes like something from a fancy restaurant, but it isn't! I've been struggling in the kitchen to make it just perfect. And I must say, the satisfaction is great.
School is boring. Like not just boring, as it was in high school, but really boring. We've just had presentations of some of our work in both English and Danish. In English I got a straight A. Not that I did anything, at all, to earn it. I didn't prepare anything, I didn't practice. I just went up there and talked. Apparently that was enough. In Danish we had to work in groups, so I kinda had to prepare a little more than for English. Still, we got a B. And we didn't really do much. Hadn't prepared anything very well. Just threw a couple of pictures in a powerpoint and started talking. That's it.
Actually I find it slightly annoying, that it is so boring. I would really love to be challenged a bit more by the teachers. But they do, of course, have to take of the 'more challenged' part of the class. Or the less smart. I sound like a geek that's in love with myself, don't I? xD
Apropos love... I don't know what's about it. Maybe I have commitment issues? Maybe I feel caged? Caught on far to little space like a lion in zoo? Or maybe I just simply get bored of being with one person all the time? I don't know, I really don't know. I wish I did, tho. I wish I could say "I don't want a relationship because...."
But I can't I have to stop the sentence at "I don't want a relationship." I actually like being single.  It's not like I'm not afraid of hurting someone when I'm single. Just less, than when I have a boy- or girlfriend. When single I don't have to constantly think about what someone else would think if I kiss this person. What if I kiss this person, will that count as cheating? I like kissing. I just do, I can't help it. Especially when I get drunk. When I get drunk I kinda lose control. Becomes quite a slut, according to my friends. Maybe that's just that I am; A slut. But at least I'm an awesome one. At least that's what I think. Whatever.
I'm tired. It's getting late. I'm hyper. I really shouldn't drink soda just before bedtime. Especially not Mt. Dew. I miss someone to write to in the middle of the night. Someone who'll stay up with me, even though  we both have to go to school the next day. Someone to text untill one of us falls asleep. I like that. I guess I feel safe when I know someone's willing to just talk to me 'till (s)he falls asleep. Or 'till I do. I don't know. I should go get some rest. Gotta work tomorrow at 9 am. It's close to 11 pm right now. Luckily I don't have to think all to much at work xD
Todays song is Pretty Odd by Panic! At the Disco. Because it's been stuck in my head since yesterday. And now Zombie by Cranberries just got stuck in there too. Good luck falling asleep .-.
Aand the number of the day is 285. Because it's just been everywhere today.

Over and out. And sleep tight
 - Brian

Uh! That's yummy!

Soo.. Long time no see? Sorry 'bout that.
But! Today I bought this new cookbook. (Yay, new stuff! :D) And it is amaziiiing! The english version is called Veggie food, and it is (surprise, surprise) a vegetarian book. I must say I simply love it!
Today I made this truly delicious rice otto with green asparagus and pistachionuts. Yum!
So but a very fucking lot of stuff have been happening lately. I've started in school, which is great. I am the absolutely youngest in my class, but I don't care. 'Cause I'm one of the smartest students as well. Actually it's rather boring. I know most of what we are taught. And that little which I don't already know, I learn rather quickly.
I still have a job! (Yay me!) There've been some times where I've been afraid that I'd loose it, but I haven't yet.
So I've gotten myself a girlfriend. And I love her. She's just so sweet. We've been together for a litlle more than a month now. And I'm going to break up with her. 'Cause I'm a jerk. A busy jerk. Who just can't manage to be in school, and to work while being in a relationship. I suck.

Actually, no I don't. I'm okay. But Elizabeth isn't. She's having a hard time. She really needs some professional help, but she doesn't want it. She depends a lot on me to comfort her, and take care of her problems. I can't do that. And then it's okay to say no. Say ask her to stop. So now It's stopped. Yeah that's right, I actually broke up with her before I finished this. I feel like such a douche.

Todays song is Stupid Girls by Pink.
And the number of the day is 8. Because today have been a good day, even though I just dumped my girlfriend.

Over and out
- Brian

Awww yeaaah!

In 3 weeks I'm going to start in school again! I'm so excited! I'm going to take this 12 weeks course, called Turbo 12, that allows me to get start HF (Higher Preparatory Examination course) after the summer-break. The only catch is that I might not be able to keep my job. My boss was not exactly thrilled when I told her about my plans. She promised me that she would try to make some changes in my work schedule so that I'll be able to take Turbo 12. She also told me that she wouldn't promise that she could make it work. That my only option to take this course would be to quit. Which I most certainly will, if it comes to that. My priorities are clear. And I choose education way over work. But it would be nice to have a job and.. Y'know.. Keep the money coming? If I'm moving out just after I turn 18 (A month or so tops) I'm going to live off my savings from the past few months for about two months. Which is very doable, of course, but it really would be nice if only I could keep them money comin' xD

Todays song is for a girl named Cecilie, and people like her. - Real assholes. The song is Stronger Than You  by Paola E. Chiara.

And the nu,ber of the day is 252. Have been seeing that number quite a lot today ^^

Over and out
-Brian

Raging out!

I am furious! I am frustrated! And I am restless! I just want to get away! I want to leave. I do not want to be here anymore! I long for the day I can move away from home. 6 months seems like a very fucking long time, and I am incredible impatient. I am sick of living with my family. I am sick of listening to my sister when she says how tired she is of me. I am sick of my mother always looking over my shoulder, telling me what to do and when to do it. And I am sick of people telling me that I am not old enough. Fuck you! Fucking fuck you! I want to scream my anger out, but suppresses it into silent tears instead. Wouldn't wanna wake up anyone, now would we? Sometimes I think I'm to kind for my own good. Why does everyone else always have to come before me? Why can't I for once be the most important thing? I know I'm not being fair right now. I know I'm being a selfish bitch right now. But you know what? I don't fucking care!
If I wanna be a selfish bitch, then let me! I always thinks far too much 'bout how everyone else feels and what they think of me. So please, let me be furious, let me be selfish, let me take care of myself! FUCKING FUCK! SHIT! FUCKING ANT PEE! AAARGH! Gosh, I wish I could scream right now. Just scream. Scream all the anger out. Just get rid of it. It's been quite some time since bleeding was this attractive. I know the peace it would give me. I know shallow feeling of false happiness that would fill my entire body. I know the silence that would come upon my mind. The calmness that would let me relax, let me sleep. But also I know that I won't do it. I want to think of myself as strong but how can I do that, if I fall for the temptation. I am stronger than that. I won't go down that path again. It's a circle of selfdestruction, and I won't get caught in it again. Not now, when I'm finally out of it. I'm starting to relax a bit again. I knew it was right of me to start blogging instead of anything else. I just had to get all that anger out somehow, and this seemed to be the best way.

Todays song is Smile by Lilly Allen
And todays number is 18.

Over and out
- Brian

Rammstein!!!

You all know Till, Richard, Paul, Ollie, Christoph and Christrian, right? Well, I've touched 'em! XD (Completely fan-girl-mode) I was at the concert in Herning yesterday and it was FAWKING AMAZING! I especially like the sceen show for Engel. Till had some giant wings with flamethrowers on the tips. All in all there was a very fucking lot of fire. Me liiiike :D Oh and the warm up band was pretty damn decent as well. The Deathstars. Oh what an original name -.-' But they're okay. If you like metal and screaming and growling check them out. Give them a change. ^^
Right now I'm chillin' with two of my friends back from Copenhagen. One of them, Marcus, is going home in an hour or so. Got some homework to do 'n stuff. The other one, Line, however is not allowed to go home 'till Saturday. I'm keeping her here untill that. XD
Haven't seen her in quite some time.
Todays number is 302. I have no idea why. It's just been stuck in my head all day.
And the song of the day iiiiiis.... Keine lust by Rammstein.

Over and out for now
- Brian

Troll much?

My body is trollin' me.. When I'm actually sick, and needs medication it's like "Oh, oh! Let's be all me quite and don't move, then maybe she won't notice there's anything wrong!" And then, when I'm healthy and all it goes like this: "Oh. My. Gosh. There's nothing wrong with me at all??! Quick! Let's hurt like hell somewhere, with no apparent reason!" So yeah... Right now I'm sick.. My throat should hurt every time I try to sink and I should barely be able to speak. But my throat is fine, and there's noting wrong with my voice. I have laryngitis and the only reason why I know this is because I suffer from a special form of psoriasis that erupts when I have streptococci in my systym (Streptococci is a bacteria that causes laryngitis). And since I need to go to the doctor (A specialist) to get some light treatment everytime my psoriasis erupts, so he usually checks my throat for strepococci when I'm there.

Todays song is Here To Stay by Korn
And ze numberr of ze day isssssssh 666. Because quite a fucking few customers spend that amount of money today.

Over and out for now, fellow internet-users :D (I am such a fucking goood mood today xD)
- Brian :D

What a weekend >.>

Hi ^^

So right now I'm filled with mixed feelings. A fucking lot of things have happened during this weekend (Including yesterday and today). For an instant one of my exes have appearently  just broken up with his girlfriend, and now he expects me to take him back and be grateful to him. GRATEFUL! I was the one who dumped that sorry-ass bastard in the first place and I am NOT going to take him back ever again. He was a mistake that I am not going to repeat. He says that he has changed, and that it'll not be the same. But as far as I am concerned he can take those changes and shove them up his ass. I don't care about them, and I don't want them in my life. Now, this may sound like I really don't like him, but that's actually not it. Yeah he was prick while we were together, but before that we had a very damn good friendship. And I miss that friendship. But I know I can't get it back, and I don't want to pretend. I'm done pretending outside the stage. (As an actress)
Another thing is that there is this girl. And she is simply amazing. We've been keeping eachother from 'drowing' in the black sea of depression for quite some time now. Sometimes she calls me in the middle of the night, crying and telling me that she don't want to do 'this' (this being living and lying) anymore. And then I'll talk to her. Most of the time what I say doesn't even make any sense at all. But that doesn't matter. Because the thing is, when someone is willing to stay up for the whole night just to talk to you, you know they care. And sometimes that's enough to bring just a little light into your life. Maybe not much, but just enough to let you get through the darkness :3
But that is actually not what I wanted to say about her xD
W've been fooling around a bit, and now things are getting quite serious. And this is confusing. On one side she is the over all best friend I have, and I would fucking beat up anyone who hurt her, if she asked me to. On another side she is kinda like a sister to me. She has always been the one closest to drowning, and have therefore been more relying on me than I have on her. Sometimes I just want to wrap her in bubbleplast so that nothing in the world could every hurt her again. And then, on the third side. I love her. I simply just love her. I love her with all my heart and soul, and because of that I am afraid that if we get to serious our friendship might shatter. A relationship doesn't work if one is madly in love while the other one might not feel just as much.

And then there is this boy. He's a friend of mine and - unfortunatly - very much in love with me.. I know this because he said so. It's been a few years since the last time I spoke to him but then I met him this weekend. I feel so sorry for him. I do not want to hurt him - he's been hurt more than enough already - but I don't see any other other way out of it. He's practically been texting me every ten minutes or so. I'd be okay with being his friend. But if cannot understand that, I'd have to cut him out. This would not be very hard on me, since I've not been speaking with him for 2 and half year. And I didn't really miss him. Yes I helped him, back when we was in the same class, and yes I was his friend. But this was because he was so alone. And I had been so alone. I got bullied for being nice to him. And I don't miss being bullied.

Todays song is Angel in my pocket - I don't know who made it (Not because I like it, but because it's constantly being played at my work).
And todays number is 28008. Because I've been bored today, and if you write it in digital numbers and turn it upside down it spells "BOOBS" XD

Over and out
- Brian

Phew

I made it! I was not fired :D I got a warning, but that's all. I was so relieved I cried when Irena (She was the one that told me I might get fired) told me that I still have a job.
So today have been pretty good all in all. There's been a few angry costumers, but what the hell. Their mood is not my problem and I don't really care if they're having a bad day as long as it is not really my fault.
Clothes irons a not very good for your fingers. At least not if you try to iron your fingers... I learned that this morning xD Ouch... So most of the day my left thumb have hurt like hell! It doesn't anymore though. I don't feel anything on the spot that've been burned. It doesn't hurt if I poke the spot with a needle 'till it gets through the skin. I could spend a lot of time poking my thumb with needles if not my mother had told me to stop. She said that her thumb started hurting just from watching me do it xD
Todays number is 8. Not because a lot of costumers have spent 8 DKR today, but because it's my lucky number and I feel pretty damn lucky to still have a job today :D
Todays song is Dear Mr. Jesus writtin by Richard Klender and sung by Sharon Batts (6 years old).

Over and out
- Brian

Damn...

Soo... Today've been kind of a mixed day. Most have been great, work was fine and afterwards I spend two hours with Leaz. (It would've been more if not her parents called her at six pm and told her to get home). It was nice seeing her again, we had sooo much to talk about :3
Though not all of the day have been that pleasant. I've made a mistake at work. A mistake that might just cost me the job. See, we have these costumers that are hired to see if they can smugle a product past the cashiers. (I work as a cashier) And apparently he got past me three times. Now, I don't think this is true. Yesterday I actually caught him. And with yesterday being my thrid time, he'd only got past me two times. Thou one of my bosses (I actually have a lot of them o.o) told me that yesterday doesn't count. All because I didn't see what was in his cart 'till AFTER he'd pay for everything else. I was just giving him the receipt when I noticed a bottle of fabric softner in his cart. I asked about it, bla bla bla, he paid for it and everything seemed to wwork out just fine. BUT! Because he'd already paid for everything else, it doesn't count as if I caugth him. He got past me. And I might loose my job. I have no idea of what to do if I loose this job. Getting a new one will NOT be easy. Both because of my age. It's not easy to get a job in a age of seventeen as most employers like cheap labor, and I can only provide that for 9 more months (After that I'll be eighteen and therefore more expensive to hire).
As I'm not in school right now I really need a job. I need something to get me out of the bed in mornings, something to wake up to. And there is six months 'till I'll start at school again. Six months is a long time doing nothing at all. I am terrified of losing this job. I'm afraid I might get back to the point I was when I dropped out of school. I need to keep myself busy.
Todays number is 250. Lots and lots of customers have spend 250 DKR today xD
And the song of today Alyssa lies by Jason Michael Caroll

Worship what you got, cause you might loose it in less than a second.
- Brian

Vegetarian

I will from this point on not eat meat. At least I wouldn't if it was my decision to make. Which it is not. As long as I live at home my mother out rules any such decision. Her argument is that she's afraid I'd lose to much weight I eat as a vegetarian. Now I do understand her, I've been quite good at losing weight the past year, but that doesn't matter much. I don't like to eat meat. It's not because I don't like the taste, I do like it, I just don't like the way animals become a product instead of a living creature. So untill I move out I still have to discuss with my mother whether or not I should eat the same as the rest of the family.
Right now I'm not really in a very good mood. I'm angry with my mother, my sister is a pain, and I miss my friend Leaz. I have no friend like Leaz. She is amazing. I haven't seen her for ages, since she's at a continuation school just as I was last year. But I am, however, gonna see her this Friday. We are going to spend most of the day together, browsing all the great stores in Herning, and going to a café. Stuff like that. I'm really looking forward to this.
But right now I am going to sleep. I have to go to work tomorrow and didn't really sleep much this night.
Todays song is Sverddans by Burzum.
And the number of the day is five. Not that I've been at work today, but to day has just felt like a... Five-ish day.

Over and out
 - Brian