Selfharm

Selfharm is a bad thing. Selfharm is many things. It could be cutting, or hitting oneself. It could be throwing up on purpose. It could be not allowing oneself to feel happy, to feel like one had to be punished everytime something good happened. Or it could be not allowing oneself to feel pretty, or loved, or worth anything.
I have done all of these things. I've got scars from razorblades and blue marks from a belt. I've put two fingers down my throat a bit too often, just to try to get all the evil out of me. Though it always seems to find it's way back inside. And I've always tried to hide all of it. All of this is signals to tell the world that I'm not fucking okay, even if I smile. 'Cause I'm crying myself to sleep more then once a week. I hurt myself. Badly. I'm ashamed of what who I am, and feel sorry for what I do.
Remember what I wrote about the swan and the ugly duckling? Well, I'm not ready to let myself be that swan yet. Far from. Which means that I feel like something much different than what people might see. I still feel like that somewhat chubby girl with glasses and braces I once was. That girl who actually don't have anyone that would listen if she had something to say. I don't feel like the girl I'm being told I am. Therefore I find it very frustrating when people I see as my dear friends suddenly wants to be more than that. Like this boy, Patrick. I love him as my friend, he's funny and quite good at listing, if I actually wants to talk. Unfortunately he's about to ruin our friendship. He just won't understand it when I tell him that there should not be anything more between us. He's trying so hard to get me, that he's pushing me away. I don't know how to tell him to back off,  but I know that I better hurry up figure it out. Otherwise I'll have to just cut all contact to him. Which would be very awkward and almost impossible since we have a lot of common friends. It's very complicated... Though I hope I'll find a way to tell him ^^
(This is why I love having my own blog. When I started this post I had tears running down my face, and was ready to go and hurt myself. I am not anymore. It really helps getting everything off my mind. It's as good as talking to a friend, except this is easier; I don't have to feel like a burden for my friends, because I wants to talk.)
Todays song is My Jolly Sailor Bold by Gemma Ward (The mermaid song from Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides)

Over and out for now
- Brian